Introduction
I grew up in a small town in a loving family and a sheltered environment. When I came to college in a big city, I noticed many bright minds from diverse backgrounds from different parts of the country. While it was all overwhelming, it led to an important a decision that “I need to become a better me!”. As life unfolded, I realized that is not a one-time decision but a lifetime one! There is always room for a better me in the future. Despite this awareness, I have always struggled with change and still do. In this post, I would like to reflect on my challenges with changing myself.
Anatomy of change
In 1970s, James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente developed a five-stage change model:
1. Pre-contemplation (not ready): Not considering making a change
2. Contemplation (getting ready): Considers change; weighing pros & cons
3. Preparation (ready): Explore alternative ways to change; try small changes
4. Action: Commit to a plan and act
5. Maintenance: Sustain change; new behaviour replaces old
Although the model was originally used to help people overcome problematic behaviours including smoking and drug abuse, it is now the standard model for behavioural change. While five stages are discretely called out, people tend to cycle back and forth through these stages as they change. Often a sixth stage is called out called ‘Relapse’ when people go back to their old ways after a period of maintenance and then they start all over again.
Experience is the best teacher
I generally get past the Pre-contemplation and Contemplation stages quickly, at least I think so😊. That does not mean I change myself easily. When it comes to exploring the challenges with personal change, one’s own experience is the best teacher. In the college days, change just meant learning new tangible skills. For example, I wanted to improve my spoken English or to hone my Hockey skills. As I started working, I realized I was required to change my behaviour and often based on feedback. Changes were also identified by observing others – some people I looked up to and wished to emulate; some I did not respect and not chose not to follow. As I grew in my career and got into family life, demands for personal change grew. Some reactive changes were necessitated by the situation, but some proactive ones were required by my dreams and goals.
Let us examine the kind of challenges I faced in the process of personal change. Here are five:
Challenge #1: Tortuous journey
The journey from decision to change can be tortuous. To start with it took long time to prepare for the change – overthinking can be a curse. Once I make a change, I expected results too soon and tended to go back to the drawing board. Quantum of the change tended to be too small to have an impact.
Challenge #2: Re-negotiating decisions
Once I decided to get up at 5am every morning. Why? Simply because Robin Sharma said so in one of his talks! 5am Club sounded like a good idea and many successful people did it. After all, my grandmother used to get up very early and my mother gets up at 4am in the morning. It must be a good idea, right? I did it for five days in a row and was ecstatic. On day six, I was a bit sleepy and was wondering if 5:30am will do! For a month, every day I will set the alarm for 5am and negotiate with self. I started getting out of bed as and when I felt like that morning! Does that happen to you? Re-negotiating decisions is major challenge for me.
Challenge #3: Guilt
When one goes back and forth through the change process, guilt starts building up gradually. You can only rationalize away inaction for a short while. Guilt is a sure symptom of downward spiral setting in. It is a state that takes enormous mental energy to bounce back from. It is possible though it takes powerful motivation!
Challenge #4: Weak Reason
While having a goal or a reason is a motivator, its strength counts! I found I do not need a big goal but a strong one even it is small. It is the feeling that goes into it that makes the difference. In my example of 5am Club, there was a reason but a bit weak. There wasn’t enough emotional component to the reason.
Challenge #5: Complacency
Over a period, guilt starts to weaken, and complacency sets it. An attitude sets in where it is ok not to change. Reason for change fades into the background of life. When this happens to me, I fall off the change process and learn to live with it.
Red Alert
Failing to change is ok at times – maybe it is not always worth it. However, the danger lies in branding yourself as ‘undisciplined’ or ‘weak’, or worse ‘a failure’. That kind of belief about yourself results in regressive behaviours. One does not take up new opportunities when they present themselves. If a new situation is thrust upon you, you go about it with the belief that you don’t have what it takes and it naturally results in poor performance.
Conclusion
In this post, we looked at the kind of challenges that people can face when posed with the need for personal change. These challenges are certainly not insurmountable. While I did not talk much about remedies for each of the challenges, I believe there is one universal remedy: process of deep self-reflection. A dose of self-reflection without judging yourself can go a long way. I have also been lucky to have a coach at crucial junctures of my life to facilitate this process of self-reflection.
